A Mom's Thoughts on the R-word

I want to talk to you today about the word retarded (the r-word going forward in this post). I am aware that most people that still use this word are not intentionally trying to degrade my son. They are simply using a word that at some point culture deemed appropriate to say in place of ridiculous, silly or stupid (which honestly we discourage the use of that word in my home too). I was not one to ever really use the word, but it wasn't until I had my son with Down syndrome that the sound of that word cut right to my heart. Usually when people defend the use of the r-word, I hear (or read) 1 of 3 things. I want to take a moment and respectfully tell you why these defenses are flawed.

1. I'm not talking about your child.
Yeah, but you are. Whether you realize it or not, mean to or not, the use of that word diminishes the worth of my child and other people with an intellectual disability. When you are confronted with something unwise, disagreeable or outlandish, and then you describe that scenario with the r-word, you are (again whether you mean to or not) calling my son unwise, disagreeable and outlandish.

Unfortunately the use of this word has permeated our culture. I truly believe most people that use it are in no way trying to hurt me or belittle my son. But hear me now... you are. When I hear that word, I cringe. My face gets hot. I think to all of the hard work my son puts in to walk, talk and learn, and how with one word you have shown what society thinks of him. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true and you have no idea the depth of that word until you love someone with a disability.

If something's unwise, say that's unwise. If something's ridiculous, say that's ridiculous. It might take some time to phase the r-word out of your vocabulary, but you can make the decision to start today.

2. It's an acceptable medical term.
Yeah, but it's not. Health organizations have halted the use of the r-word for years now opting for intellectually disabled and in 2010, Rosa's Law was passed in the United States that replaced the use of mental retardation with intellectual disability in several laws. The vote was unanimous among party lines even. School districts as well have followed this example. The National Down Syndrome Society states that they "strongly condemn the use of the word (r-word)... Using this word is hurtful and suggests that people with disabilities are not competent."

While the use of this word was perfectly acceptable decades ago, culture has evolved and turned this word into something derogatory. It's happened before. The words moron, imbecile and idiot all used to be acceptable medical terms too in the early 1900s and I think we all know how commonplace those words are now unfortunately. So, please don't think it's acceptable to call my son's disability mental retardation... it's outdated.

3. Stop being a snowflake. It's just a word.
Yeah, but it's not. I know there is a lot of political correctness going around and I know that some people roll their eyes at it. But, part of being an empathetic human being starts with listening to people and hearing their experiences. If somebody tells you something hurts them, you can't tell them it doesn't. So if I tell you as a mom of a child with a disability that the r-word stings me, it's pretty disrespectful to turn around and call me snowflake. Which whatever, call me a snowflake, I can take that. What I can't take is taking the r-word a step further and use it to actually mock my son and people like him. That's unacceptable and the movement to end its use proves that it is NOT just a word.


So in closing, I hope you learned something and I hope that if you are someone that uses the r-word that you reconsider after reading this. It's interesting because while my son works so hard to walk and talk, he doesn't have to work at all at being a loving, happy individual. Sometimes I truly wonder, who is it that has the disability?

Photo by Erin Co. Photography