Wonder, Worries and Three Birthday Candles

Motherhood. A phenomenon where pure joy meets gripping panic. Where love, thankfulness, exasperation, cheerfulness, pride and fear all have their place in your daily life. An overwhelming and constant awareness of a piece of your heart living outside of your body. An ever-present knowledge of the seconds ticking away.

It was just yesterday wasn't it when I was shaking on the operating table? We heard her cries. Justin, inches from my face, whispered, "she's so beautiful." They showed her to me and I thought, "Of course. That's her! The little girl I dreamed up long ago is right in front of me."

I can't believe that was three years ago. How fast those seconds tick away.

I look at Adele with a full heart. Full of her giggles trapped in my memory. Full of the songs we've made up together. Full of the prayers I've prayed over her as she's slept. Full of all the words I want to say to her.

My daughter. My beautiful girl. The perfect combination of sweet and sassy. Thirty pounds of imagination. Living proof of God's provision. A walking reminder to live in the moment, be silly, put down my phone, sing loud, soak up the cuddles, pray and pray harder.

When I look in her eyes, I see an infinite amount of possibilities. A future for the taking. I find myself on my knees praying for the path she takes. Praying that she chooses God. Praying she's a magnet for all things good. I pray for the friends she meets, the teachers she has, the man she marries. I have so much hope for what God has in store for her. So much excitement in watching her grow. So much pride in seeing her be a big sister.

Yet with all that hope, excitement and pride, the worry still seeps into my thoughts. What if I screw up? What if I don't do my job? What if she feels neglected with so much of our focus on Elliot? What if a boy breaks her heart one day? What if some catty little girl hurts her feelings? Or worse, what if she IS a catty little girl? And OMG THE MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS.

The seconds keep ticking. The worries keep coming. I keep clinging to God's promises.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

So as I trust in God and learn to let go of the worries, I will cherish her childhood. I will play make-believe. I'll wear a tiara made out of pipe cleaners. I'll study her tiny hands. I'll brush her hair. I'll try not to curse the toys I trip over. I will think to myself all of the words I want to say to her.

Adele, my sweet girl, enjoy your third birthday. May it be a year filled with playtime, wonderment, music and fun. May God protect you, mold you, capture you. May you be little as long as you can. May your imagination never stop short. Your mom and dad want the very best life has to offer for you, but for now, we want you to know that you are loved. Truly, deeply loved by not only us, but by God in heaven. There is so much life ahead of you. From baby dolls to ballet lessons. From bike rides to lip gloss. From your first concert ticket to your first speeding ticket. I am so looking forward to every second of your childhood. I'm going to live in the present and savor every bit of you I get. Happy birthday Dell Bell. Your mommy loves you so much!

New Year Reflections: Finding Rest

I've never been big on New Year's resolutions. One year I gave up looking at gossip magazines and websites because I felt my love for all things pop culture was getting out of hand. And, well, while I still love reading a People magazine every once in a while, I think it's safe to say that I'm not a celebrity news junkie anymore (unless it has to do with Britney Spears or Prince George). Although I suspect that has something to do with growing up rather than making it a resolution. Another year in college, I gave up sodas. That one didn't last long (sips large Dr Pepper from Chick-fil-a). Those are really the only two I can think of...

I thought about making one this year and thought how on earth would I have the time to fit in a resolution? And that's when it hit me... I have no time. Why is that?

I'd be lying if I said I was sad to see 2014 come to a close. My sweet Elliot is the year's saving grace. I spent most of the year in a really tough pregnancy battling sciatic nerve issues, high blood pressure, hospital bedrest and an early delivery followed by Elliot's surprise diagnosis and six-week NICU stay. Once Elliot was finally released we've had to learn to navigate his needs and the Down syndrome world. I also had to resign from a job I loved and had no intention of leaving, which then caused Justin and I to acclimate to living on one-income. I'm not saying all this to complain; I'm just saying 2014 was rough and I've never been so excited for a new year to start.

When I look back on the year and look at making a resolution for 2015, I can only come back to one thing: time. Between Elliot's appointments and therapies, potty training a toddler and keeping a clean, happy home, I feel as though the last time I rested was, well, when I was on bedrest in the hospital. How ironic it is that I can look back on what I felt was like prison and think, "Wow, if only I could get some rest like that again!" So there it is... my new year's resolution... to rest. Physical and mental rest in Christ.

I read this blog post last night that encouraged you to find a Bible verse to pray over in 2015. I found it encouraging and a useful tool in finding the Bible verse I'd like for our family this year. And after much praying and pouring through my Bible, I decided on Isaiah 26:3:

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."

As the blog post suggests to create, my prayer for the year for my family is this: God, you are so great. I thank you for the many blessings in disguise that came our way in 2014. I pray for perfect peace in 2015. I pray that our hearts and our minds stay on you this year and every year after. I pray our trust in your perfect plan for our family only grows with each passing day. I pray that Justin and I trust in you and model that trust to our children. I pray for rest, for peace, for your continued grace as we adapt to our new family. Thank you for another year. Amen.

This past year tested me in ways I've never been tested. I'm a better person, a better wife, a better mother for everything that went down in 2014, but I do pray that 2015 can be much calmer and that our family can find some rest this year... maybe even take a vacation, imagine! Maybe I'll be ready for some excitement in 2016, but for now, I just want a year filled with Saturday morning cuddling, HGTV watching, front porch sitting and healthy kids. Here's to 2015 (holds up previously mentioned large Dr Pepper.)