Wonder, Worries and Three Birthday Candles

Motherhood. A phenomenon where pure joy meets gripping panic. Where love, thankfulness, exasperation, cheerfulness, pride and fear all have their place in your daily life. An overwhelming and constant awareness of a piece of your heart living outside of your body. An ever-present knowledge of the seconds ticking away.

It was just yesterday wasn't it when I was shaking on the operating table? We heard her cries. Justin, inches from my face, whispered, "she's so beautiful." They showed her to me and I thought, "Of course. That's her! The little girl I dreamed up long ago is right in front of me."

I can't believe that was three years ago. How fast those seconds tick away.

I look at Adele with a full heart. Full of her giggles trapped in my memory. Full of the songs we've made up together. Full of the prayers I've prayed over her as she's slept. Full of all the words I want to say to her.

My daughter. My beautiful girl. The perfect combination of sweet and sassy. Thirty pounds of imagination. Living proof of God's provision. A walking reminder to live in the moment, be silly, put down my phone, sing loud, soak up the cuddles, pray and pray harder.

When I look in her eyes, I see an infinite amount of possibilities. A future for the taking. I find myself on my knees praying for the path she takes. Praying that she chooses God. Praying she's a magnet for all things good. I pray for the friends she meets, the teachers she has, the man she marries. I have so much hope for what God has in store for her. So much excitement in watching her grow. So much pride in seeing her be a big sister.

Yet with all that hope, excitement and pride, the worry still seeps into my thoughts. What if I screw up? What if I don't do my job? What if she feels neglected with so much of our focus on Elliot? What if a boy breaks her heart one day? What if some catty little girl hurts her feelings? Or worse, what if she IS a catty little girl? And OMG THE MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS.

The seconds keep ticking. The worries keep coming. I keep clinging to God's promises.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

So as I trust in God and learn to let go of the worries, I will cherish her childhood. I will play make-believe. I'll wear a tiara made out of pipe cleaners. I'll study her tiny hands. I'll brush her hair. I'll try not to curse the toys I trip over. I will think to myself all of the words I want to say to her.

Adele, my sweet girl, enjoy your third birthday. May it be a year filled with playtime, wonderment, music and fun. May God protect you, mold you, capture you. May you be little as long as you can. May your imagination never stop short. Your mom and dad want the very best life has to offer for you, but for now, we want you to know that you are loved. Truly, deeply loved by not only us, but by God in heaven. There is so much life ahead of you. From baby dolls to ballet lessons. From bike rides to lip gloss. From your first concert ticket to your first speeding ticket. I am so looking forward to every second of your childhood. I'm going to live in the present and savor every bit of you I get. Happy birthday Dell Bell. Your mommy loves you so much!