I threw a fit today. Yes, a raging mom fit that ended with me crying into a peanut butter sandwich while my toddler looked on. Not my best moment.
When I started documenting our life with Elliot, I told myself I would be transparent - that I would share our highest highs and our lowest lows. I've done a great job at showing off Elliot's milestones, his smiles, our unending love for him, but I have failed at talking about the hard days. Maybe it's because days like today are few and far between. Maybe it's because I want to focus on the joy. Maybe it's because I'm embarrassed that there are days when I feel inadequate. Maybe it's because I don't think anyone out there would understand.
No matter the reason why I avoid the tough subjects, I promised myself I would for two reasons. First, I wanted any other new moms of babies with Down syndrome to know they were not alone. But more than that, I wanted people to see what a God-given joy that a child with Down syndrome is and to tell the story about an ordinary couple. A couple that while they have flaws still try their hardest to carry out God's will for their family. The story about a woman who after she throws a mom fit finds herself on her knees asking for forgiveness, seeking guidance and giving praise to the One who has given her this platform.
Elliot's eating had almost become a non-issue. He was eating with us at meals, decreasing his bottles. Everything had finally come together. I noticed yesterday that mealtime was met with much less enthusiasm, but he still ate. Then today's lunch happened. Elliot was all giggles until I strapped him in to his seat. He immediately started screaming and completely refused his food. I pulled out all the bells and whistles. The Nuk brush, the mum-mums, the messy eating. He wanted none of it. So I did what any other normal mom would do. I threw the pureed squash across the table, duh!
Then the thoughts started flooding in. Why are we backtracking? There are other babies his age with Down syndrome eating table food and drinking out of sippy cups! And why won't he sit up? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not doing enough? What if he really is going to be low-functioning and not potty-trained until he's eight? What if? What if? What if?
That's when the tears started flowing into my sandwich and I heard a little voice say, "Mommy, maybe he just wants his bottle." Then through my tears, I snapped at Adele, "Because Adele, he needs to eat real food!" Again, not my finest moment.
I cleaned up the mess, apologized to Adele and reluctantly gave Elliot his bottle, which he downed. Once they were napping, I ate a brownie (obviously) and prayed (and cried again).
I'm a pretty patient person, but for some reason, I just lost it today. On days like this, I find myself asking the dreaded "why me?" I hate when I do that because I know the answer. God chose me. He chose me to be Elliot's mom. And even though there are times I feel like I am failing miserably, He is right beside me guiding me along the way.
A couple of weeks ago, I was reading in Genesis about Noah and the ark. What stood out to me this time wasn't the ark or the animals or the floods - it was that God chose Noah's family to carry out a purpose. When the rain stopped, Genesis 8:1 says, "God remembered Noah." That just stuck with me. God didn't forget Noah and He's not going to forget me either. Though sometimes I might feel like I am drowning in the flood waters, God remembers me. God has a plan for my life and for my family.
When you're living in the moment, it's easy to forget the big picture. It's easy to forget that one day I'm going to have to tell Elliot that that's enough pizza. It's easy to forget that one day I'll miss those days I didn't have to chase him. It's easy to forget that God has a plan for me.
God, thank you for your patience with me even though I acted like a child today. Thank you for choosing me to be the mom to these two adorable kids. I pray that I do a better job at remembering you just as you remember me. I pray that when I feel the tears coming on that I look to you and your promises.
So, I'm taking a deep breath as I hit publish on this post as I admit to the world that I threw a fit. But to all the moms out there that find themselves in a desperate moment, you are not alone and God remembers you always.
6.29.2015
6.20.2015
Father's Day Thoughts
It was not long after Justin and my first date that I realized I was going to marry him. He challenged me, he made me laugh, he opened doors for me, he went to church with me... I could go on and on about all the boxes he checked. I would daydream about our life together and I always envisioned how he would be as a father. I saw him working in the lawn with his son running behind him. I could see him out on the tennis courts with our kids practicing their backhands. I thought about Justin teaching our daughter how to drive one day. I could see him first row at the recitals. It all played out in my head.
Well here we are, nearly eight and a half years after that first date and Justin still challenges me. He still makes me laugh. He still opens doors for me. And, yes, he still goes to church with me. Every daydream I had about us keeps coming true and then some.
You see... Justin is all of the things I envisioned as a dad. When Adele was a newborn, he took turns waking up with her. He researched all of the baby contraptions and bought the best he could find. He cheered her on as she took her first steps. All of those were good things, but when Elliot came around, I realized just how exceptional a father he really was.
My daydreams were picture perfect, but what I have seen in the last year has been so, so real. The kind of real that brings happy tears to your eyes and makes you never forget to thank God. The kind of real you actually have to pinch yourself because you can't imagine anything this divinely wonderful happening to you.
While I'm sure that one day I will see Justin working in the lawn with Elliot running around him, what I've seen this year is a dad that is so much more. I've seen a daddy that rushed to the NICU to bottlefeed his premature baby while mom was still in recovery. A dad that meticulously labeled and stored pumped breastmilk while Elliot was too weak to eat. A dad that used his lunch breaks daily to come see his boy in the NICU. A dad that has made every single cardiologist and specialist appointment no matter the time of day. A dad that through it all, still reads bedtime stories to his daughter every night.
But most importantly, I've seen a dad on his knees in prayer. A dad who while his expectations were altered, picked up the pieces God gave him and stood strong in his faith. A dad that is completely and deeply in love with his kids no matter the amount of chromosomes they have.
I've told Justin many times this year that I can't imagine doing life with anyone else. And that's true. Justin makes me a better person, a better mom. So, happy Father's Day, Justin. You are loved. You are appreciated. Thank you for all you do for our family!
PS... I also have to throw in a shout-out for my dad and Justin's dad. What awesome men they are! How blessed Justin and I are to have the dads we have. Adele and Elliot definitely have the best grandfathers ever!
Well here we are, nearly eight and a half years after that first date and Justin still challenges me. He still makes me laugh. He still opens doors for me. And, yes, he still goes to church with me. Every daydream I had about us keeps coming true and then some.
You see... Justin is all of the things I envisioned as a dad. When Adele was a newborn, he took turns waking up with her. He researched all of the baby contraptions and bought the best he could find. He cheered her on as she took her first steps. All of those were good things, but when Elliot came around, I realized just how exceptional a father he really was.
While I'm sure that one day I will see Justin working in the lawn with Elliot running around him, what I've seen this year is a dad that is so much more. I've seen a daddy that rushed to the NICU to bottlefeed his premature baby while mom was still in recovery. A dad that meticulously labeled and stored pumped breastmilk while Elliot was too weak to eat. A dad that used his lunch breaks daily to come see his boy in the NICU. A dad that has made every single cardiologist and specialist appointment no matter the time of day. A dad that through it all, still reads bedtime stories to his daughter every night.
But most importantly, I've seen a dad on his knees in prayer. A dad who while his expectations were altered, picked up the pieces God gave him and stood strong in his faith. A dad that is completely and deeply in love with his kids no matter the amount of chromosomes they have.
I've told Justin many times this year that I can't imagine doing life with anyone else. And that's true. Justin makes me a better person, a better mom. So, happy Father's Day, Justin. You are loved. You are appreciated. Thank you for all you do for our family!
PS... I also have to throw in a shout-out for my dad and Justin's dad. What awesome men they are! How blessed Justin and I are to have the dads we have. Adele and Elliot definitely have the best grandfathers ever!
5.25.2015
Five Jobs I've Learned to Tackle
I love being a mom and I'm constantly thanking God for handpicking me to be the mommy of two spirited kids! As their mom, I get to wear a lot of pretty cool hats - heart-shaper, teacher, hugger, boo-boo-kisser, cook, nurturer, mentor, personal shopper. While most of these hats I expected to wear as a mom, there are a few that I don't think people really talk about that I recently started thinking about.
1. Trash Collector
Why is it instinctive to cup my hands for my daughter when she spits out food she decides mid-chew that she doesn't like? She has a perfectly good napkin next to her, but for whatever reason spitting it in my hands makes more sense to her. More than that, she constantly brings me her trash. Empty fruit pouches, stickers that have lost their sticky, papers she is done coloring, broken doodads, etc. She brings me all of her trash despite my constant attempts at directing her toward the actual trash can.
2. Therapist
Are all 3-year-old girls as dramatic as mine? I feel like I am daily having to counsel her. (The following is all said behind uncontrollable tears and a red face) Daddy told me to wait until everyone got to the table to eat or I wanted to walk out the door first or This crayon broke. Everything requires a ten-minute therapy session. (The following is all said in the calmest voice possible even though some times I want to uncontrollably cry too) You aren't in trouble, it's just very important we eat as a family so we can spend time together or It doesn't matter who goes first out the door, we're all going to the same place or Adele, sometimes things like crayons break in life and we just have to learn to go on... there will be other crayons. When I found out I was having a girl, I knew I would have to mentally prepare for the teenage years because, you know, boys. Little did I know, I would get plenty of practice during the toddler years.
3. Crisis Control Manager
I majored in Public Relations. I'm happy to report I'm putting what I learned about crisis communications to good use... at home... with my kids. Step 1: Prepare for any situation. Ok, we're going to the playground for a play date today. Everyone has to use the potty/have a diaper change before we walk out the door. I have to remember to pack a snack and a change of clothes for everyone. Step 2: Be proactive if a disaster occurs: Ok, let me plan out what I'm going to say at the "press conference" with my daughter when I tell her we're going to leave the playground soon. Offer a plan of action: Adele, we have to leave now, but it's OK because we're going to go eat lunch! Step 3: Remain calm: Adele, it's OK that you spilled water on your shirt. It's just water; it will dry. Step 4: Have a plan B: OK, you really can't handle the water on your shirt? Here's the said change of clothes from Step 1.
4. Personal Assistant
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Adele Wood. She was wondering if your daughter would like to come over to play tomorrow at 10 a.m. or I'm sorry, Elliot will be unable to attend therapy on that day, he has a pediatrician's appointment. I'm the keeper of their social calendar, the shopper of their groceries, the scheduler of their doctor's appointments. This in itself is a full-time job and requires more organization skills than I think I've ever used especially when you consider all of Elliot's needs.
5. Cruise Ship Entertainer
I always wanted to be the mom that played with her kids - the one that made lasting memories by building the forts, pushing the swings, participating in the tea parties, accessorizing the dolls. But, wow, it never ends! I mean, there's only so many times you can build a Lego tower and knock it down or dance around the living room to "Let it Go" before you start looking around for an adult to talk to. Here's the thing though... the second you stop building that tower or singing that song, the kid starts asking about the next activity and you're freaking out because it's still two hours from nap time. You learn to improvise... fast.
At the end of the day, I wouldn't trade any of it, of course. I have to admit that when their bedroom doors shut at the end of the night, it's nice to sit down with my hubby and reflect on a busy day of putting out fires, shepherding their little hearts and everything in between.
1. Trash Collector
Why is it instinctive to cup my hands for my daughter when she spits out food she decides mid-chew that she doesn't like? She has a perfectly good napkin next to her, but for whatever reason spitting it in my hands makes more sense to her. More than that, she constantly brings me her trash. Empty fruit pouches, stickers that have lost their sticky, papers she is done coloring, broken doodads, etc. She brings me all of her trash despite my constant attempts at directing her toward the actual trash can.
2. Therapist
Are all 3-year-old girls as dramatic as mine? I feel like I am daily having to counsel her. (The following is all said behind uncontrollable tears and a red face) Daddy told me to wait until everyone got to the table to eat or I wanted to walk out the door first or This crayon broke. Everything requires a ten-minute therapy session. (The following is all said in the calmest voice possible even though some times I want to uncontrollably cry too) You aren't in trouble, it's just very important we eat as a family so we can spend time together or It doesn't matter who goes first out the door, we're all going to the same place or Adele, sometimes things like crayons break in life and we just have to learn to go on... there will be other crayons. When I found out I was having a girl, I knew I would have to mentally prepare for the teenage years because, you know, boys. Little did I know, I would get plenty of practice during the toddler years.
3. Crisis Control Manager
I majored in Public Relations. I'm happy to report I'm putting what I learned about crisis communications to good use... at home... with my kids. Step 1: Prepare for any situation. Ok, we're going to the playground for a play date today. Everyone has to use the potty/have a diaper change before we walk out the door. I have to remember to pack a snack and a change of clothes for everyone. Step 2: Be proactive if a disaster occurs: Ok, let me plan out what I'm going to say at the "press conference" with my daughter when I tell her we're going to leave the playground soon. Offer a plan of action: Adele, we have to leave now, but it's OK because we're going to go eat lunch! Step 3: Remain calm: Adele, it's OK that you spilled water on your shirt. It's just water; it will dry. Step 4: Have a plan B: OK, you really can't handle the water on your shirt? Here's the said change of clothes from Step 1.
4. Personal Assistant
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Adele Wood. She was wondering if your daughter would like to come over to play tomorrow at 10 a.m. or I'm sorry, Elliot will be unable to attend therapy on that day, he has a pediatrician's appointment. I'm the keeper of their social calendar, the shopper of their groceries, the scheduler of their doctor's appointments. This in itself is a full-time job and requires more organization skills than I think I've ever used especially when you consider all of Elliot's needs.
5. Cruise Ship Entertainer
I always wanted to be the mom that played with her kids - the one that made lasting memories by building the forts, pushing the swings, participating in the tea parties, accessorizing the dolls. But, wow, it never ends! I mean, there's only so many times you can build a Lego tower and knock it down or dance around the living room to "Let it Go" before you start looking around for an adult to talk to. Here's the thing though... the second you stop building that tower or singing that song, the kid starts asking about the next activity and you're freaking out because it's still two hours from nap time. You learn to improvise... fast.
At the end of the day, I wouldn't trade any of it, of course. I have to admit that when their bedroom doors shut at the end of the night, it's nice to sit down with my hubby and reflect on a busy day of putting out fires, shepherding their little hearts and everything in between.
3.19.2015
What A Difference A Year Makes
The room was dark, the gel was cold and I really had to pee. I didn't care. I had anxiously waited for this moment since we found out baby #2 was on his or her way. Justin was holding my hand as the ultrasound tech pointed out our baby's perfect little nose. The anticipation kept building as we counted the fingers and toes. Potential baby names and nursery themes were bouncing around in my mind while we waited for the news.
Flamingos would be fun for a girl since she will be born in the summer! Oh, but I LOVED that baby quilt with the bear wearing the bow tie I saw on Pinterest the other day for a boy! Ugh, but the name Alice would complement Adele so well... good thing this isn't up to me! I'd never decide!
Then after what felt like forever, the ultrasound tech said without much hesitation, but filled with excitement, "it's a boy!" I can't remember for sure, but I'm pretty sure I squealed. I would have been overjoyed either way; it was just so wonderful to finally know!
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We spent the rest of the day celebrating by buying our little boy's first outfit, staging the perfect picture with our daughter holding blue balloons, and announcing the news to family over dinner. From sun up to sun down, that day was all about our sweet boy on the way.
Little did I know, that would not be the last March 21 we would celebrate our little boy.
We had no idea that day that our precious baby would be born with Down syndrome nor did we know that March 21 is World Down Syndrome Day. Earlier this week, I happened to notice the matching dates while scrolling through old pictures. There it was on my Facebook timeline. That perfectly staged picture with a date stamp of March 21, 2014, of our daughter Adele proudly holding blue balloons announcing to the world she was going to have a little brother. I couldn't believe it.
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Ironic, isn't it? Poetic even?
It wasn't long after we found out we were team blue that the visions of my little boy started flooding my thoughts. We decided on the name Elliot because we thought it would look good on a campaign poster.
Elliot Wood, that's a strong name! He could run for office with that name!
We talked about how he would play tennis like his daddy, but he would have a musical side too like mommy - maybe play the guitar! We were already starting to vie for whose college alma mater he would attend. We talked about how he would probably get in all kinds of trouble as a teenager, but how funny it would actually all be in retrospect.
Every time I saw a little boy in public, I'd turn to goo thinking of my little one on the way. Life was perfect. It was turning out exactly how I had planned.
When we found out Elliot had Down syndrome after he was born, my world stood still for a moment. I grieved the little boy I thought I was going to have. This wasn't a part of the plan.
Justin and I have worked so hard to get where we are. Two college degrees, two believer's baptisms, two steady jobs, two great credit scores, one adorable daughter... this doesn't fit. How did we get here? How do we go from all of that to having a premature baby with Down syndrome in the NICU with a feeding tube and a heart defect?
I was scared. I was overwhelmed. I was unprepared.
I am embarrassed by those initial thoughts. But they were real, and most importantly, they were fleeting.
Though there are hard days still every now and then, my outlook on my little boy is the complete opposite from that day. I am so in love with my Elliot. Down syndrome might not have been a part of my plan, but it was a part of God's plan. And as it turns out, Elliot is the perfect fit to our family.
One year ago, I might have pictured Elliot differently, but now I know I have something, someone so much better on my hands than I ever could have imagined.
I have a fighter who pulled out his own feeding tube.
I have a little miracle whose heart surgery keeps getting pushed back.
I have a charmer who smiles at all the ladies.
I have a little brother who is already teaching his sister great compassion.
I have a giggle monster that thinks my face is funny.
I have a teacher who opens the eyes of everyone around him.
I have a son that I am proud of.
You might never see Elliot Wood on a campaign poster (or maybe you will, who knows!), but Elliot will do great things in his life. He will walk. He will go to school. He will read. He will play tennis with his dad and sing songs with his mom. He will have a job. He will love and be loved. He will change the hearts of those he meets.
As March 21, 2015, approaches, I am filled with excitement. I am proud to be a part of this global community that will join together to celebrate our kids and continue to open doors for children and adults with Down syndrome. I hope you'll join in on the celebration too!
What a difference a year makes.
Flamingos would be fun for a girl since she will be born in the summer! Oh, but I LOVED that baby quilt with the bear wearing the bow tie I saw on Pinterest the other day for a boy! Ugh, but the name Alice would complement Adele so well... good thing this isn't up to me! I'd never decide!
Then after what felt like forever, the ultrasound tech said without much hesitation, but filled with excitement, "it's a boy!" I can't remember for sure, but I'm pretty sure I squealed. I would have been overjoyed either way; it was just so wonderful to finally know!
We spent the rest of the day celebrating by buying our little boy's first outfit, staging the perfect picture with our daughter holding blue balloons, and announcing the news to family over dinner. From sun up to sun down, that day was all about our sweet boy on the way.
Little did I know, that would not be the last March 21 we would celebrate our little boy.
We had no idea that day that our precious baby would be born with Down syndrome nor did we know that March 21 is World Down Syndrome Day. Earlier this week, I happened to notice the matching dates while scrolling through old pictures. There it was on my Facebook timeline. That perfectly staged picture with a date stamp of March 21, 2014, of our daughter Adele proudly holding blue balloons announcing to the world she was going to have a little brother. I couldn't believe it.
Ironic, isn't it? Poetic even?
It wasn't long after we found out we were team blue that the visions of my little boy started flooding my thoughts. We decided on the name Elliot because we thought it would look good on a campaign poster.
Elliot Wood, that's a strong name! He could run for office with that name!
We talked about how he would play tennis like his daddy, but he would have a musical side too like mommy - maybe play the guitar! We were already starting to vie for whose college alma mater he would attend. We talked about how he would probably get in all kinds of trouble as a teenager, but how funny it would actually all be in retrospect.
Every time I saw a little boy in public, I'd turn to goo thinking of my little one on the way. Life was perfect. It was turning out exactly how I had planned.
When we found out Elliot had Down syndrome after he was born, my world stood still for a moment. I grieved the little boy I thought I was going to have. This wasn't a part of the plan.
Justin and I have worked so hard to get where we are. Two college degrees, two believer's baptisms, two steady jobs, two great credit scores, one adorable daughter... this doesn't fit. How did we get here? How do we go from all of that to having a premature baby with Down syndrome in the NICU with a feeding tube and a heart defect?
I was scared. I was overwhelmed. I was unprepared.
I am embarrassed by those initial thoughts. But they were real, and most importantly, they were fleeting.
Though there are hard days still every now and then, my outlook on my little boy is the complete opposite from that day. I am so in love with my Elliot. Down syndrome might not have been a part of my plan, but it was a part of God's plan. And as it turns out, Elliot is the perfect fit to our family.
One year ago, I might have pictured Elliot differently, but now I know I have something, someone so much better on my hands than I ever could have imagined.
I have a fighter who pulled out his own feeding tube.
I have a little miracle whose heart surgery keeps getting pushed back.
I have a charmer who smiles at all the ladies.
I have a little brother who is already teaching his sister great compassion.
I have a giggle monster that thinks my face is funny.
I have a teacher who opens the eyes of everyone around him.
I have a son that I am proud of.
You might never see Elliot Wood on a campaign poster (or maybe you will, who knows!), but Elliot will do great things in his life. He will walk. He will go to school. He will read. He will play tennis with his dad and sing songs with his mom. He will have a job. He will love and be loved. He will change the hearts of those he meets.
As March 21, 2015, approaches, I am filled with excitement. I am proud to be a part of this global community that will join together to celebrate our kids and continue to open doors for children and adults with Down syndrome. I hope you'll join in on the celebration too!
What a difference a year makes.
3.14.2015
Ditching the Mental Checklist (For One Night)
Every night at about 7 p.m. I find myself racing against the clock. As the minutes tick by, I'm marking off my mental checklist.
OK, if I can get the kids to finish eating by this time, I can get the toddler in the bath at this time, which means she'll be in bed at this time. We're totally only reading one bedtime book tonight though... it's been a long day and I've still got a baby to feed and put to bed and wash all the bottles and clean the kitchen and just RELAX and watch some HGTV and eat that KitKat bar I've been strategically hiding all day. I just hope said toddler doesn't decide to play a game of 20 questions as I turn off her light.
I'm totally aware of the run-on sentence above, but that just gives you a quick picture of what's going on inside of my head. I've had enough conversations with other moms to know that I am not alone in this battle.
So tonight as we drove home from dinner with friends, I sat there preparing the mental checklist. Debating whether or not the toddler really needed a bath. I mean, did she really get all that dirty playing outside? (The answer is yes, she really did get all that dirty playing outside). Well, at least we've already eaten. Maybe we can do a quick bath... no toys, no inside jokes, no fun. Strictly business. Yes, that'll be great and she can be in bed and I can have my date with Chip and JoJo and my hidden stash of candy in no time!
That was the plan. So I put said baby in his swing and threw said toddler in the tub. I told her we were doing a bath as fast as we can tonight. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and asked, "why?"
Now anyone with a toddler knows that "why" is simply part of their vocabulary. A common word used to go down the rabbit hole. Only this time... she wasn't trying to be funny... she genuinely asked it. I was about to just say, "it's late, so we need to hurry."
But then I thought... well, why? Why couldn't I give my daughter a little extra time just one night? Why couldn't I just relax and forget about the minutes ticking away for one night?
So I altered the plan. She played in her bath until her fingers were wrinkly. We danced to "Shake it Off" after putting on her pajamas. I blow dried her hair. I painted her toe nails in a hue of her choice. And, when it came time to crawl into bed, we read THREE books and sang THREE songs. We even made shadow animals with her lamp. Then as I turned off the light instead of getting huffy when she inevitably said, "Mommy, I want to ask you a question." I said (with a smile on my face), "yes?"
"Mommy, did you know that tickles make us laugh?"
I said yes, I do and with that we said our final good nights. I checked the time for the first time since before I put her in the bath. 9:15. A whole 45 minutes past her bed time. A whole 45 minutes well spent.
I'm sure tomorrow my checklist will return, because let's be real, mommy's gotta have some me-time, but for now I'm going to the relish the fact that I have a red-toe-nailed-polished-happy little girl tucked away in her bed and a sweet baby boy asleep in my arms instead of his crib while I type this post.
OK, if I can get the kids to finish eating by this time, I can get the toddler in the bath at this time, which means she'll be in bed at this time. We're totally only reading one bedtime book tonight though... it's been a long day and I've still got a baby to feed and put to bed and wash all the bottles and clean the kitchen and just RELAX and watch some HGTV and eat that KitKat bar I've been strategically hiding all day. I just hope said toddler doesn't decide to play a game of 20 questions as I turn off her light.
I'm totally aware of the run-on sentence above, but that just gives you a quick picture of what's going on inside of my head. I've had enough conversations with other moms to know that I am not alone in this battle.
So tonight as we drove home from dinner with friends, I sat there preparing the mental checklist. Debating whether or not the toddler really needed a bath. I mean, did she really get all that dirty playing outside? (The answer is yes, she really did get all that dirty playing outside). Well, at least we've already eaten. Maybe we can do a quick bath... no toys, no inside jokes, no fun. Strictly business. Yes, that'll be great and she can be in bed and I can have my date with Chip and JoJo and my hidden stash of candy in no time!
That was the plan. So I put said baby in his swing and threw said toddler in the tub. I told her we were doing a bath as fast as we can tonight. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and asked, "why?"
Now anyone with a toddler knows that "why" is simply part of their vocabulary. A common word used to go down the rabbit hole. Only this time... she wasn't trying to be funny... she genuinely asked it. I was about to just say, "it's late, so we need to hurry."
But then I thought... well, why? Why couldn't I give my daughter a little extra time just one night? Why couldn't I just relax and forget about the minutes ticking away for one night?
So I altered the plan. She played in her bath until her fingers were wrinkly. We danced to "Shake it Off" after putting on her pajamas. I blow dried her hair. I painted her toe nails in a hue of her choice. And, when it came time to crawl into bed, we read THREE books and sang THREE songs. We even made shadow animals with her lamp. Then as I turned off the light instead of getting huffy when she inevitably said, "Mommy, I want to ask you a question." I said (with a smile on my face), "yes?"
"Mommy, did you know that tickles make us laugh?"
I said yes, I do and with that we said our final good nights. I checked the time for the first time since before I put her in the bath. 9:15. A whole 45 minutes past her bed time. A whole 45 minutes well spent.
I'm sure tomorrow my checklist will return, because let's be real, mommy's gotta have some me-time, but for now I'm going to the relish the fact that I have a red-toe-nailed-polished-happy little girl tucked away in her bed and a sweet baby boy asleep in my arms instead of his crib while I type this post.
2.19.2015
6 Truths about Down Syndrome I Want You to Know
I can't speak for all parents of kids with Down syndrome, but as I reflect on the last seven months, I am so thankful God put so many people in our lives that just "get it." Every now and then though I come across people who I think are just uncomfortable talking about Elliot. Like I've said before on a previous post, I didn't know anything about Down syndrome before we had Elliot, so I don't blame anyone if they don't know what to say or think. I wrote this post in hopes to help people understand that our life is just like anybody's else's.
1. Don't Be Sorry
Thank God no one has told us personally that they are sorry, but I've heard so many stories of other parents who were told these words after given a Down syndrome diagnosis even by medical professionals! When we found out Elliot had Down syndrome, a scenario played in my head of friends driving away from our home after a good visit and saying to themselves, "Poor Melinda and Justin." I shuddered at that thought. I didn't (and I don't) want anyone to feel sorry for us because we see Elliot as a tremendous blessing just like we do Adele. I have no idea if anyone does this, but I hope not! I know the unknown is scary, but I hope that those around us see the joy in our lives over the obstacles; Elliot's smiles over the doctor visits; the love over the worry. God gave us a healthy, happy, thriving little boy. There's absolutely nothing to be sorry about. God doesn't define perfection the way the world does. He has a purpose for every life. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
2. We Are Not Snowflakes
I've noticed a few people get tongue-tied when talking to us about Elliot, but let me let you in on a little secret... Unless someone is being blatantly disrespectful to my child, that person is not going to offend me. Ask me questions. I love talking about Elliot! I also don't expect people to know what to say or how to say it. I had no idea how to talk about children with special needs until I had one, so it would be completely unfair of me to hold everyone to some standard they know nothing about.
3. We Are Overjoyed At Your Child's Development
If I'm being 100 percent honest, when your child who is Elliot's age (or younger) meets a milestone that Elliot isn't close to, it stings a little. It's a reminder that already at seven months old, he's falling behind. That being said, I genuinely am so happy to see your little one develop and I want to hear about it! That face of determination, the giggles, the "Mom, I got this" expression is priceless on any baby and I love that there are so many awesome kids in Elliot's life that he gets to grow up with. So please tell me your baby stories, send me pictures... I love your babies!
4. Elliot's Just Like Any Other Kid
I've said it before, but I was terrified to see Elliot in the NICU after they told me he had Down syndrome. I was scared that I wasn't going to feel a connection. I was scared I wasn't going to know how to be his mom. It's difficult to admit those initial thoughts now because he has become such a part of me just like his big sister. Elliot is just like any other child. He needs love. He enjoys being held. He laughs when you make faces. He's mesmerized when you read to him. He gets grumpy when he's tired. He's going to take a little longer to crawl, walk and read, but he will get there. He will go to school and make friends. He will have goals and aspirations. Having an extra chromosome will not take those things away. So don't be scared! Down syndrome is nothing to fear.
5. There Are Days That I Get Scared
OK, I know I just said all that stuff in #4, which was all true, but if I'm keeping it real, there are moments when I am overcome with my own fears of the years ahead. Most days are like any other family's. Busy. Fun. Loud. Filled with laughs one minute and temper tantrums the next. But there are times when my mind is filled with thoughts of his increased risk for autism and leukemia, the fact that he could be nonverbal, and his likely open heart surgery at a young age. I think about his future education. Will his elementary school support inclusion? Will the kids in his class accept him? Will he have a girlfriend (and even a wife) one day? And then I go down the rabbit hole. Don't get me wrong, these days are few and far between, but they do creep up on me. When I'm having these days, I usually keep my thoughts to myself, but if I choose to share them with you please know I wouldn't change anything about my son. Please know that not every day is filled with doubt. Just listen to me and pray that I get over this wave of fear soon.
6. We Are Not Superheroes
I can't thank people enough for the kind words of affirmation they have given us over the past several months, but, truthfully, we know we are ordinary people that God chose to be Elliot's parents. We'd be lying to ourselves if we bought into thinking we are anything more than imperfect people that God called to a purpose. The only superhero in our home is Jesus Christ who has been abundantly faithful in his provision for our family. He's the one that brought Adele into this world after my delivery started to go south. He's the one that kept Elliot cooking until 34 weeks despite what the doctors said. He's the one that allowed him to breathe on his on despite being premature. He's the one that closed one of the holes in his heart. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
So, while your praises at our parenting skills mean so much to us, all of the glory goes to our mighty God. Also, at the end of the day, we are doing what any loving parent would do - taking care of and loving our children.
1. Don't Be Sorry
Thank God no one has told us personally that they are sorry, but I've heard so many stories of other parents who were told these words after given a Down syndrome diagnosis even by medical professionals! When we found out Elliot had Down syndrome, a scenario played in my head of friends driving away from our home after a good visit and saying to themselves, "Poor Melinda and Justin." I shuddered at that thought. I didn't (and I don't) want anyone to feel sorry for us because we see Elliot as a tremendous blessing just like we do Adele. I have no idea if anyone does this, but I hope not! I know the unknown is scary, but I hope that those around us see the joy in our lives over the obstacles; Elliot's smiles over the doctor visits; the love over the worry. God gave us a healthy, happy, thriving little boy. There's absolutely nothing to be sorry about. God doesn't define perfection the way the world does. He has a purpose for every life. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
2. We Are Not Snowflakes
I've noticed a few people get tongue-tied when talking to us about Elliot, but let me let you in on a little secret... Unless someone is being blatantly disrespectful to my child, that person is not going to offend me. Ask me questions. I love talking about Elliot! I also don't expect people to know what to say or how to say it. I had no idea how to talk about children with special needs until I had one, so it would be completely unfair of me to hold everyone to some standard they know nothing about.
3. We Are Overjoyed At Your Child's Development
If I'm being 100 percent honest, when your child who is Elliot's age (or younger) meets a milestone that Elliot isn't close to, it stings a little. It's a reminder that already at seven months old, he's falling behind. That being said, I genuinely am so happy to see your little one develop and I want to hear about it! That face of determination, the giggles, the "Mom, I got this" expression is priceless on any baby and I love that there are so many awesome kids in Elliot's life that he gets to grow up with. So please tell me your baby stories, send me pictures... I love your babies!
4. Elliot's Just Like Any Other Kid
I've said it before, but I was terrified to see Elliot in the NICU after they told me he had Down syndrome. I was scared that I wasn't going to feel a connection. I was scared I wasn't going to know how to be his mom. It's difficult to admit those initial thoughts now because he has become such a part of me just like his big sister. Elliot is just like any other child. He needs love. He enjoys being held. He laughs when you make faces. He's mesmerized when you read to him. He gets grumpy when he's tired. He's going to take a little longer to crawl, walk and read, but he will get there. He will go to school and make friends. He will have goals and aspirations. Having an extra chromosome will not take those things away. So don't be scared! Down syndrome is nothing to fear.
5. There Are Days That I Get Scared
OK, I know I just said all that stuff in #4, which was all true, but if I'm keeping it real, there are moments when I am overcome with my own fears of the years ahead. Most days are like any other family's. Busy. Fun. Loud. Filled with laughs one minute and temper tantrums the next. But there are times when my mind is filled with thoughts of his increased risk for autism and leukemia, the fact that he could be nonverbal, and his likely open heart surgery at a young age. I think about his future education. Will his elementary school support inclusion? Will the kids in his class accept him? Will he have a girlfriend (and even a wife) one day? And then I go down the rabbit hole. Don't get me wrong, these days are few and far between, but they do creep up on me. When I'm having these days, I usually keep my thoughts to myself, but if I choose to share them with you please know I wouldn't change anything about my son. Please know that not every day is filled with doubt. Just listen to me and pray that I get over this wave of fear soon.
6. We Are Not Superheroes
I can't thank people enough for the kind words of affirmation they have given us over the past several months, but, truthfully, we know we are ordinary people that God chose to be Elliot's parents. We'd be lying to ourselves if we bought into thinking we are anything more than imperfect people that God called to a purpose. The only superhero in our home is Jesus Christ who has been abundantly faithful in his provision for our family. He's the one that brought Adele into this world after my delivery started to go south. He's the one that kept Elliot cooking until 34 weeks despite what the doctors said. He's the one that allowed him to breathe on his on despite being premature. He's the one that closed one of the holes in his heart. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
So, while your praises at our parenting skills mean so much to us, all of the glory goes to our mighty God. Also, at the end of the day, we are doing what any loving parent would do - taking care of and loving our children.
1.16.2015
Wonder, Worries and Three Birthday Candles
Motherhood. A phenomenon where pure joy meets gripping panic. Where love, thankfulness, exasperation, cheerfulness, pride and fear all have their place in your daily life. An overwhelming and constant awareness of a piece of your heart living outside of your body. An ever-present knowledge of the seconds ticking away.
It was just yesterday wasn't it when I was shaking on the operating table? We heard her cries. Justin, inches from my face, whispered, "she's so beautiful." They showed her to me and I thought, "Of course. That's her! The little girl I dreamed up long ago is right in front of me."
I can't believe that was three years ago. How fast those seconds tick away.
I look at Adele with a full heart. Full of her giggles trapped in my memory. Full of the songs we've made up together. Full of the prayers I've prayed over her as she's slept. Full of all the words I want to say to her.
My daughter. My beautiful girl. The perfect combination of sweet and sassy. Thirty pounds of imagination. Living proof of God's provision. A walking reminder to live in the moment, be silly, put down my phone, sing loud, soak up the cuddles, pray and pray harder.
When I look in her eyes, I see an infinite amount of possibilities. A future for the taking. I find myself on my knees praying for the path she takes. Praying that she chooses God. Praying she's a magnet for all things good. I pray for the friends she meets, the teachers she has, the man she marries. I have so much hope for what God has in store for her. So much excitement in watching her grow. So much pride in seeing her be a big sister.
Yet with all that hope, excitement and pride, the worry still seeps into my thoughts. What if I screw up? What if I don't do my job? What if she feels neglected with so much of our focus on Elliot? What if a boy breaks her heart one day? What if some catty little girl hurts her feelings? Or worse, what if she IS a catty little girl? And OMG THE MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS.
The seconds keep ticking. The worries keep coming. I keep clinging to God's promises.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
So as I trust in God and learn to let go of the worries, I will cherish her childhood. I will play make-believe. I'll wear a tiara made out of pipe cleaners. I'll study her tiny hands. I'll brush her hair. I'll try not to curse the toys I trip over. I will think to myself all of the words I want to say to her.
Adele, my sweet girl, enjoy your third birthday. May it be a year filled with playtime, wonderment, music and fun. May God protect you, mold you, capture you. May you be little as long as you can. May your imagination never stop short. Your mom and dad want the very best life has to offer for you, but for now, we want you to know that you are loved. Truly, deeply loved by not only us, but by God in heaven. There is so much life ahead of you. From baby dolls to ballet lessons. From bike rides to lip gloss. From your first concert ticket to your first speeding ticket. I am so looking forward to every second of your childhood. I'm going to live in the present and savor every bit of you I get. Happy birthday Dell Bell. Your mommy loves you so much!
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It was just yesterday wasn't it when I was shaking on the operating table? We heard her cries. Justin, inches from my face, whispered, "she's so beautiful." They showed her to me and I thought, "Of course. That's her! The little girl I dreamed up long ago is right in front of me."
I can't believe that was three years ago. How fast those seconds tick away.
I look at Adele with a full heart. Full of her giggles trapped in my memory. Full of the songs we've made up together. Full of the prayers I've prayed over her as she's slept. Full of all the words I want to say to her.
My daughter. My beautiful girl. The perfect combination of sweet and sassy. Thirty pounds of imagination. Living proof of God's provision. A walking reminder to live in the moment, be silly, put down my phone, sing loud, soak up the cuddles, pray and pray harder.
When I look in her eyes, I see an infinite amount of possibilities. A future for the taking. I find myself on my knees praying for the path she takes. Praying that she chooses God. Praying she's a magnet for all things good. I pray for the friends she meets, the teachers she has, the man she marries. I have so much hope for what God has in store for her. So much excitement in watching her grow. So much pride in seeing her be a big sister.Yet with all that hope, excitement and pride, the worry still seeps into my thoughts. What if I screw up? What if I don't do my job? What if she feels neglected with so much of our focus on Elliot? What if a boy breaks her heart one day? What if some catty little girl hurts her feelings? Or worse, what if she IS a catty little girl? And OMG THE MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS.
The seconds keep ticking. The worries keep coming. I keep clinging to God's promises.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
So as I trust in God and learn to let go of the worries, I will cherish her childhood. I will play make-believe. I'll wear a tiara made out of pipe cleaners. I'll study her tiny hands. I'll brush her hair. I'll try not to curse the toys I trip over. I will think to myself all of the words I want to say to her.
Adele, my sweet girl, enjoy your third birthday. May it be a year filled with playtime, wonderment, music and fun. May God protect you, mold you, capture you. May you be little as long as you can. May your imagination never stop short. Your mom and dad want the very best life has to offer for you, but for now, we want you to know that you are loved. Truly, deeply loved by not only us, but by God in heaven. There is so much life ahead of you. From baby dolls to ballet lessons. From bike rides to lip gloss. From your first concert ticket to your first speeding ticket. I am so looking forward to every second of your childhood. I'm going to live in the present and savor every bit of you I get. Happy birthday Dell Bell. Your mommy loves you so much!
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